In which I fantasize about a work-related emergency, in an old-timey radio drama format

"Oh sweet mother of god! Edmond Hoyle's name is misspelled in the subject heading of this bib record! Whatever shall we do?"

"Quick, call the Authority Control Specialist!"

"But, but, it's 8 pm, and Olbermann's on. Have you no heart, sir?"

"There's no room for heart when the accessibility of a record in the OPAC is at stake, dammit. Call him in!"

[whispers] "It's after 5:00, and you know he -- " [makes a tippling sound]

"Hell, at a time like this, if I have to choose between a beswizzled, delusional, eczemic authority control specialist with rage issues, a broken heart, and nothing to lose, or some teetotaling copy cataloger wearing a holiday-themed sweater, it's no contest. Call him a cab and get him in here on the double!"

The part of the tech services department head was played by Ed Asner.
The other part was played by someone else. Let's just say, oh, the actress who played Mimi on the Drew Carey Show.
The part of me would be played by Lawrence Tierney, because I'm that awesome.